


Dissolution

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, M/M, just a whole lotta angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 23:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: “I’m perfectly fine representing myself.” Sonny crossed his arms defensively, continuing their conversation as if Rita hadn’t even spoken.“It’s been ten years since you passed the Bar.”Sonny wanted to bring up that it had been nearly three times that since Rafael had passed, but he’d told himself this was going to be civil, at least on his end, and a dig at Rafael’s age would drag this into uncivil territory. “So? I’ve kept my license up to date.”“Wow, paying a fee every two years really keeps your knowledge of the law fresh.” Rafael rolled his eyes.“You know for a fact that I keep up. I read the journals, I discuss Supreme Court cases with—” He stopped himself, realizing that staying up late, debating the latest issues in front of the Supreme Court with Rafael was no longer something he would be doing. “Anyway, I know enough.”“How many of those journal articles had to do with divorce proceedings?”





	Dissolution

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robin Hood (kjack89)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/gifts).



> Fellow lover of angst, Robin Hood, gave me the prompt: "Barba and Carisi negotiate the terms of their divorce, and even though it's clear to literally everyone including their divorce attorneys that they still love each other, they refuse to admit it :) Kindly fuck me up please :)"
> 
> So basically this is all her fault and I'm sorry.

“You should have a lawyer.” Rafael eyed Sonny across the mahogany table. He looked tired, the bags under his eyes heavy. Rafael couldn’t remember the last time he didn’t look tired. He supposed he was partially to blame for that.

He was to blame for a lot of things these days.

“I am a lawyer.”

Rafael scoffed. “Barely.” It had always been a point of contention between them, Sonny’s choice to stay with the NYPD instead of practicing law, and even now he wasn’t willing to let it go.

The door to the conference room opened and Rita walked in. “I’m sorry about that, a client was on the phone. We can get started.” She took her seat next to Rafael who didn’t even spare her a glance, his eyes still focused on Sonny.

“I’m perfectly fine representing myself.” Sonny crossed his arms defensively, continuing their conversation as if Rita hadn’t even spoken.

“It’s been ten years since you passed the Bar.”

Sonny wanted to bring up that it had been nearly three times that since Rafael had passed, but he’d told himself this was going to be civil, at least on his end, and a dig at Rafael’s age would drag this into uncivil territory. “So? I’ve kept my license up to date.”

“Wow, paying a fee every two years really keeps your knowledge of the law fresh.” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“You know for a fact that I keep up. I read the journals, I discuss Supreme Court cases with—” He stopped himself, realizing that staying up late, debating the latest issues in front of the Supreme Court with Rafael was no longer something he would be doing. “Anyway, I know enough.”

“How many of those journal articles had to do with divorce proceedings?”

“Rita isn’t a divorce lawyer,” Sonny pointed out the obvious, sounding petulant.

“Rita has many important clients, some of whom she has represented in their divorces.” Rafael replied haughtily, sitting up in his chair as if being taller helped his point.

“And Rita would like the two of you to stop talking about her like she’s not here,” Rita said pointedly, flipping open the folder in front of her. She’d had about all she could take. “Now, Sergeant Carisi—”

Sonny scoffed. “Seriously Rita? You’ve spent Thanksgiving in my home for the better part of the last decade and now it’s Sergeant Carisi?”

“She’s just trying to remain professional,” Rafael defended their friend. Well, his friend. He supposed she was the first thing he’d received in the divorce. He ignored the pang that the thought sent through his chest.

“Fine.” Sonny slumped in his chair. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“Okay, as I was saying—”

“Actually,” Rafael interrupted, tapping a finger thoughtfully on the wooden table. Rita looked like she was about to scream. “I don’t think I’m going to do this. Not until he gets representation.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. This is the third time,” Rita complained. “You’re about to lose my friends and family discount.”

“Then charge me full price, I don’t care.” Rafael stood, buttoning his jacket and watched as Sonny’s eyes tracked the movement, something he’d done since the day he’d first walked into the precinct. “Get a lawyer,” he directed at his husband before striding out of the conference room.

“I honestly don’t know how you put up with him as long as you did,” Rita told Sonny, trying for levity, but it fell flat.

“Yeah,” Sonny offered her a smile, mostly out of obligation, but it didn’t reach his eyes, not even close. “I don’t know either.”

* * *

Olivia felt her breath hitch as she lightly tapped her knuckles against Barba’s open office door. The sight of his office in disarray, half empty boxes on every surface, book shelves nearly bare, put an ache in her chest and had tears stinging at her eyes. “So, you’re really leaving?” 

Rafael, in dress shirt and and dark suspenders, sleeves rolled to his elbows, turned around with a stack of books in his hand. “You know I am,” he said, placing the books in a box that sat on top of his desk. He’d told her his decision weeks ago, before anyone else. Not that he’d told many people since. In addition to Olivia, only Carmen, his mother, Rita, and the DA knew.

He hadn’t even told Sonny. He had no intention of telling Sonny. He’d been moved to Anti-Crime when he’d been promoted to Sergeant so he had no professional interaction with Rafael anymore, which meant he was unlikely to find out until after Rafael was gone. He felt a little guilty about that, but he just couldn’t take Sonny storming in here, asking him if he was out of his mind, because he would. Even after everything, he would.

“I know, but I thought—I hoped—that you’d change your mind.” Olivia ran a hand over the back of his visitor’s chair, thinking of the first time she’d stepped in here and the brash, arrogant ADA she’d squared up against. She’d had no idea all those years ago that he would become one of her closest friends.

He shook his head, melancholy green eyes avoiding hers. “It’s just...easier this way.”

Olivia nodded. She understood. “I ran into Carisi at 1PP this afternoon. I’m guessing by the way he looked, things didn’t go well this morning?”

Rafael shook his head again, picking up his glass of scotch from where it rested beside the box of books. He took a gulp in lieu of answering.   

“I love you, but you guys aren’t the Rockefellers. What’s taking so long?” She had her theories, but knew if she voiced them he’d only shut her down.

He shrugged, returning the glass to its place and turning to pull more books off of the shelf.

“If you’re not sure, maybe you could still work things out,” she spoke carefully. She knew she shouldn’t get involved, but she cared about these two men like family and if there was a chance of saving their relationship, she wanted to give it a shot.

“This is what he wants.” It was low and soft, a tone she so rarely heard from him. He dumped more books in the box, actively avoiding looking at her.

“Doesn’t really seem like it.” She didn’t see much of Carisi these days, but she knew that when she’d run into him that afternoon he looked like a man on the way to the gallows.

“He’s the one who filed.” Rafael said as if that settled the matter.

He should have known better. Olivia never backed down easily. “And you’re the one who moved out.”

Instead of responding, he picked up a tape gun and noisily taped the box closed, his jaw set so firmly that it might shatter any moment. Yes, he’d moved out. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, packing a bag and watching the pain in Sonny’s eyes as he’d left their apartment, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t allow the growing unhappiness he felt within himself to continue to eat at Sonny, to hurt and hold back the best man he’d ever known.

He saw it, Sonny internalizing his pain each time he had come home late from work to find Rafael drunk on the couch, lamenting that he’d been passed up for yet another promotion. Each time a trial ended, whether it was a win or a loss, and Rafael retreated within himself, realizing that no matter what, this was as far as he was ever going to get. 

He saw the guilt Sonny felt when he’d been promoted. And he’d learned through other officers that Sonny hadn’t told him about a commendation, knowing it was because he hadn’t wanted Rafael to feel bad about himself and his lack of success. And then less and less Sonny talked about making arrests, only talking about work when things went particularly shitty.  He’d become so wary of triggering Rafael’s self-loathing that he actively censored himself and it wasn’t fair to him.

So he left, unwilling to bring anyone down with him, especially not Sonny. Sonny who deserved all the happiness in the world, but could no longer find that with Rafael.

And after months of Rafael refusing to discuss things with him, refusing to even explain what it was that was wrong, he’d filed for divorce. He’d come by Rafael’s office to tell him in person, because he was good and upstanding and always did the right thing.

“I just, I can’t keep holding on, Raf, waiting on you to decide you want to come back. It hurts too much, so I have to do this, you know? So I can try to move on.”

It had hurt, a knife twisted deep within his chest, and it continued to hurt, but Rafael knew it was the right thing. Sonny deserved to be relieved of this burden. To be relieved of him.

“So,” Olivia tried lightening her tone, pulling Rafael from deep in his thoughts. “Have you decided what you’re going to do next?”

“Not yet,” he shook his head, setting down the tape gun and picking up a Sharpie so that he could scrawl ‘Books’ across the top of the box. “But I haven’t really thought about it much.” He’d tried, but anytime he did a panic welled up within him so great that he could barely breathe, so he’d given up.

He’d figure it out eventually. He hoped.

“Now,” he said, smirking for her benefit. “Are you going to help, or what?”

She rolled her eyes, but picked up an empty box anyway. “Well, since you asked so nicely…”

* * *

Rafael narrowed his eyes at the attorney—whose name he had promptly forgotten the second it had come out of the unusually small mouth—seated next to Sonny across the conference table, scrutinizing the cheap brown suit and a tie so hideous he thought his eyes might start bleeding. He completed the look with a bad comb over and glasses so covered in smudges Rafael wondered how he could see anything. 

He had a feeling that Sonny had chosen this man on purpose, knowing how his appearance would grate at him, and he actually felt a small swell of pride. Maybe he’d rubbed off on Sonny over the years more than he’d thought.

“Rafael?”

“What?” He turned to Rita and out of the corner of his eye he saw Sonny cover a smile with his hand.

“We were discussing the apartment that the two of you own together.”

“Oh. He can have it.” He’d already ripped their lives to pieces, he wasn’t going to force Sonny from his home.

“After he buys out your half, of course,” she looked from Rafael to Sonny’s attorney, making it clear.

“No,” Rafael shook his head, fixing his gaze on Sonny who looked surprised. “I moved out nearly a year ago, I have a new place. He can have the apartment.”

“But your half is easily worth at lea—” 

“I know how much it’s worth,” he snapped at Rita. “And I said he can have it.”

“Okay, then.” She’d grown used to Rafael’s temperament decades ago, so she remained unphased. “Let’s move onto investments. Now all of the stocks are in Mr. Barba’s name and were acquired prior to the marriage, therefore he shall maintain one hundred percent ownership.”

Rafael shook his head. “No, he can have half.”

Rita fixed him with a look. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Raf, you don’t have to—” Sonny finally spoke up. Rafael had always been generous with him, but it was starting to feel a bit like pity.

“When, in the time you’ve known me, have I done anything that I didn’t want to do?” he asked and Sonny raised his palms in surrender.

“My client accepts those terms,” Sonny’s attorney said as if he had anything to do with it. But, to be fair, he’d barely had to say two words through the entire proceedings thus far, so maybe he felt he needed to try and prove he was worth his fee.

It continued like that as they worked through their meager assets, with Rafael giving Sonny at least half of everything. The only thing he kept for himself was their season tickets to the opera, but Sonny hated the opera and Rafael knew it would be of no great loss to him.

“Now, the only thing remaining is the car, a,” Rita glanced down at the paperwork in front of her even though she’d made enough snide comments about it over the years that she knew exactly what it was, “1981 Ford Crown Victoria. The title is in Mr. Barba’s name, but it was acquired during the marriage.”

He watched Sonny’s face fall at the mention of the car and knew he was thinking of the same memory that Rafael was: Sonny’s fortieth birthday when Rafael had surprised him with a car that looked just like the one he’d had as a teenager. Sonny’s dad had helped him find it and it sat in the driveway of his childhood home, a giant red bow contrasted against the bright white paint, waiting as they’d pulled up in front of the house.

Rafael had heard as many stories about the car he’d driven as a teenager, and then as a young adult, as he had about Sonny’s family, maybe more. He knew Sonny had cried the day that it finally bit the dust, the engine blowing up so catastrophically that it would have cost more to fix than the car was worth. Sonny had never gotten over it, mourning the car like a relative.

They’d christened the car that night, something Sonny had never managed to pull off as a teenager, parking in a secluded spot and making love in the backseat. It had been difficult, long limbs and a cramped space, and they’d laughed at the absurdity until laughter turned to moans, the heat they generated fogging up the windows.

“It’s his,” Rafael said, his voice rough and he cleared his throat. “It was a gift and I’ll sign it over.”

Rita was long past trying to get Rafael to not put himself in the poorhouse, not that an ancient piece of shit car would have prevented that anyway, so she flipped the folder closed. “Well, that does it. I’ll have these terms drawn up and then we can go from there.”

“Rita, can we have a minute, please?”

She nodded. “Of course.”

“It’s fine,” Sonny assured his attorney who then followed Rita out the door.

The two of them sat in silence a moment, eyeing each other across the table. Rafael wondered if he looked as sorrowful as Sonny did. He certainly felt it.

“I don’t know if I can keep it,” Sonny said finally, his voice low. “The car.” It would hurt too much, thinking of Rafael, of all they’d had—and lost—each time he climbed behind the wheel.

“It’s yours,” Rafael offered the smallest of shrugs. “You can do whatever you want with it.”

Sonny nodded slowly. “Why did you do that? Give me all that stuff?”

“Believe it or not this was never about hurting you.” Rafael smiled sadly. “I want you to be happy.”

Sonny laughed mirthlessly. “If that was true you wouldn’t have done any of this to begin with.”

Rafael had nothing to say to that, nothing that would make Sonny feel any better anyway, so he stood and made his way to the door. “Goodbye, Sonny.”

* * *

Stomping down the hallway of One Hogan Place, Sonny couldn’t decide if he was more hurt or pissed. Rafael had quit the DA’s office and hadn’t bothered telling him. Instead he’d found out from one of his detectives, who’d been discussing a case he’d handed over to SVU. Sonny knew that he and Rafael weren’t together anymore, but he still felt that was something he’d deserved to find out from the man himself. At least that would have saved him from turning into a stuttering idiot in front of one of his subordinates. 

He reached the outer office, where Carmen normally sat, but the desk was empty so he stormed into the main office and stopped in his tracks. It was empty, save for a few stacks of boxes and some wrapped artwork that Carmen was pointing out to a couple of movers.

“This is the last of it,” she told the men, handing one of them a card. “It needs to go to this address and do not damage any of it or we’ll both be sorry.”

The man nodded and they rolled a couple dollies over toward the boxes.

Carmen spotted him then, her eyes sad. “Sonny.”

Unlike Rita, Carmen had never called him anything but his formal title, so hearing his name on her lips in a tone that dripped pity just added more salt to his wounds. 

“He’s gone already?”

She nodded and gestured for him to join her in the outer office, away from the movers. She closed the door behind her. “Yesterday was his last day.”

“Where’s he going?” Sonny hated how desperate he sounded, but even if Rafael had no longer been in his life, his home, his bed, he’d still been here, tucked away safely in his office at One Hogan Place where Sonny could find him anytime. Knowing that was no longer true ripped him apart.

“He asked me not to tell you that,” she said softly. “But he left you these.”

She handed him a manila envelope and he knew what it was without even pulling out the papers, but he did so anyway. Seeing Rafael’s signature scrawled on the divorce papers made his throat feel like it was closing up and he swallowed a few times, determined not to cry in front of Carmen.

On the top of the page was a Post-it, Rafael’s familiar handwriting in black ink.

_ It was all for you. Please be happy. -Raf _

Finally trusting himself to talk, he looked up at Carmen, tears shining in his eyes. “Are you going with him?”

She nodded. “As soon as he’s settled somewhere.”

“You’ll take care of him, right? You can’t let him only survive on coffee, and you know the doctor said that his blood pressure is—”

Carmen put a hand on his arm. “I know. I’ll make sure he’s okay.”  

Sonny just nodded. He removed the Post-it from the papers, tucking it in his pocket before leaning over Carmen’s desk and scribbling his name and initials in all of the places that they were required. After double checking to make sure he’d gotten them all, he dropped the pen to the desk and walked from the office without another word.


End file.
